


Houston, We Have a Problem

by Lil_Hal



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcoholism, Alternate Universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-08 21:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1956726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lil_Hal/pseuds/Lil_Hal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>(The title is so creative)</p><p>Sorry for the mess of tags and stuff, I really want the destination of this fic to be a surprise so I wasn't sure what to tag it because I still want people to read it!!</p><p>I'll add a summary later but right now I'm drawing a blank woops ono</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. WE'RE GOING TO CALIFORNICATION, BBY!

**Author's Note:**

> (The title is so creative)
> 
> Sorry for the mess of tags and stuff, I really want the destination of this fic to be a surprise so I wasn't sure what to tag it because I still want people to read it!!
> 
> I'll add a summary later but right now I'm drawing a blank woops ono

“OUT OF THE WAY! ROXY LALONDE GETS THE FANCY SHMANCY COMPUTER FOR THE MOMENT!” 

Your name is indeed Roxy Lalonde, and you are totes claiming use of the best computer in the whole damn mansion. You have the most exciting news and you need the highest quality shit to tell it on, oh yes you do. 

What you need first, though, is a drink because that’s one thing you def have not had enough of today, considering the only slurred word in your excited statement was “shmancy,” and that wasn’t a mistake. You take a sliding stop by the alcohol rack as your socks skim on the tile and you grab yourself a couple of bottles of whatever the heck is there. 

Yes, good, just what the Roxy ordered. You start sipping as you head over to the little alcove where the best computer is and take a seat, logging on your Pesterchum account quickly. You’re gonna use Skype in a second to vid chat, but you and your friend Janey have this thing where you don’t actually use Skype for IM-ing after reading some conspiracy theory about how conversations can be read by super secretive creepy people. Neither of you buy into that malarkey theory, but it’s fun to be superstitious or whatever, so you save your chatting for good ole Pesterchum. 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]  \--  
TG: ok so u will NEVER guess wat i learnd 2day janey

You gulp down a good third of the first bottle in the short time it takes for your friend to reply.

GG: Ooh, what? :B  
TG: dis  
TG: dis is a massage for SKYPE CAT  
TG: dats how imprtant this is ok  
GG: Oh gosh!  
GG: Want me to host it?  
TG: nah sweets i gots this  
TG: mumma lalonde gots the BIG GUNS 2day janey  
TG: shits gunna get so hq up in dis bitch k

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]  \--  


You grin and start up Skype, squirming in your seat because holy shit Janey is gonna just totes flip over this.

The stupid asthmatic sounds of Skype play through your headphones, and soon ‘nuff you are READY TO RUMBLE!!

You click “Video Chat” under the name “Jane Crocker,” and are promptly greeted with the chubby black-haired dork on the other side of the screen.

Janey smiles at you with her silly little buck teeth and adjusts her thick-framed glasses, giving you a short wave before opening her mouth to speak. You cut her off before she can finish.

“What’s up, Rox—”

“WE’RE MOVING!” You squeal, waving your bottle of champagne around wildly before taking a swig and grinning at your best friend.

Her brow furrows and she cocks her head to the left a lil’. “Moving? Where? Why?”

“Okay, okay, so like, I should totes start from the beginning huh?!” Your excitement is kinda getting the best’a you. That and the tipsiness slowly starting to wash in as your further your connections with the mouth of the alcohol bottle. “Okay, so, y’know how Mom is like, world-famous or whatevs for her fiction, right?! She wrote this crazy pops book called _Complimenting the Learned_ or somethin’ and it got totes color-flying reviews and like all the critics were having shits over how fanfuckingtastic this story is and then there’s this dude called My Bra Strides or somethin’, and he’s like a baby bird learning to fly in the area of directing except he’s a fucking eagle right he just fell off the branch one day and BOOM he’s flyin’ o’er everybody’s heads and they’re like DAMN lookit them feathers or whatevs, anyway, he contacted Mom and was like _yo bitch you wrote a good thing here and I thought maybe we could work togeths makin’ this fucker a major motion pitcher_ , and he said it all in this silly Tuxan accent, and my mom was like _oh fuck yes good sir this is the SHIT_ and he paused and went _but that requires ya comin down here for a good long time ‘cause you wrote one fucker of a book an’ I want your ‘pinions ‘bout errything miss_ and so she was like _oh okay so I’m going to Texas?_ And he just kinda giggled or somethin and said _no ma’am I haveta be in Cali for this, so that’s where you’ll be_ and my mom said she already needed to be down there anyway, so like, she’d been thinkin’ bout moving since Rosey and I aren’t very resporns—responz—mature an’ so GUESS WHAT WE ARE MOVING TO CALIFORNICATION!!!!”

Janey blinks at you, ‘cause you may have said all of that in one breath. “You’re... you’re moving to California?!” 

“Shits yes, gurl, we totes are! In a month!”

Jane covers her mouth with her hands, her eyes squealing a few secs before her voice does. She bobs up and down in her chair and claps her hands. “Oh my gosh!”

She and you chat ecstatuc—eggstat—excitedly about future plans, because the mother coincedink of all coicedinks is the fact that Janey actually lives in California since the company her dad is the CEO of moved there when she was twelve, so like, this is totes amazing.

Not to mention it’ll be the first time the two of you see each other, ‘cause you’ve been online friends forevs after meeting over Pesterchum like, four years ago! Oh, the things boredom and tryin’ to figure out a silly outdated program can do.

Your convo gets interrupted when a lil’ bob of dark curly brown hair pokes into the view on Janey’s side a’ the screen. You point behind your dearest friend.

“Lil’ nerd alert,” you warn, cutting thru her hyperactive description of the best places in Cali that she has to take you to, and immediately she swivels around to prolly squint supsic—susbici—suspiciously (what UP you got the word right, score 1 for Roxy Lalooned! Lalonde) at the boy who has perked up and is waving over her head at you.

“Hi, John!” You wave back at the 14-year-old kid. John Egbert (aka John Eggs) and his pops Mr. Eggs has been livin with Janey and her father Mr. Crockpot for a coupla months now since their (they being Mister Eggs an’ Mister Crockpot) relationship has been getting p serious. It’s clear that Janey is gonna get a new step-bro soon, and it’s been the topic of many convos ‘bout what the fucknuggets could be takin them so long to get the question popped, ‘cause by now the question is like a slightly deflated bday balloon from two months prior that needs to get stabbed with a needle soon else it’ll just make a little sound and flop uneventfully to the floor. Or somethin’ like that.

Anyway, John grins back at you. “Hi! What were you guys squealing about?”

Nosy lil’ bugger. Luckily it’s somethin you’d love to share with the dude. “I’m movin to Californication next month!!”

His mouth forms the word ‘Californication’ before he breaks into one a’ his big John Eggy grins. He has a toothy smile similar to Janey’s, which is like, so not from the can since they aren’t even related or anything! “Wow! That’s really great! Then I could show you my new pet salamander!”

Janey turns back to you with a rolla her eyes. “He’s been running around the house with ‘Casey’ in his jacket pocket this entire past week. He tried to get me to give him blueberry bubble gum to feed her.”

“I’m teaching her to blow bubbles!” John insists, bouncing excitedly on the heels of his feet. He looks to you for support and you blow a raspberry at ‘im in response.

“Oookay, so maybe gum wasn’t the best idea, but she’s very smart! Here, I’ll get her to show you.” With that the kid is off, feet pattering ‘gainst the ground as he runs up the stairs.

Jane snorts. “He wants to get an army of salamanders, but Daniel told him that he can only have one for now. For now. Heaven help me if he actually gains a horde!”

You titter and take another swig a’ your bottle, nearing the end of it. “Y’know that pony I gave Rosey? Yeah, the lil’ fucker is comin’ with us to Cali.”

“Your mom is letting you take Maplehoof? Oh, golly. I thought Rose didn’t even like the pony?”

You shrug, and as you do, you hear footsteps behind you.

“It’s time to engage in our hour of forced pleasant conversation around the food in our mouths, Roxy, and I do not like the implications nor the situation surrounding the acquiring of my pet.”

You’re not really sure what half of what Rosey just said means, but that’s your daily problem; you’re p sure, bee-tee-dubs, that she uses extra weird words to confuse you. “You didn’t even hear what Janey said, Rosey.”

“Judging by both the previous and current statement by you and given the fact I have mastered the skill of reading lips, I would assume that my answer hit the proverbial mark.” Rosey gives you her little smirk, crossing her arms like the smug lil’ ass she is. 

Thirteen-year-olds. Geez.

“Oh welp,” you turn back to Janey, “guess it’s time to get da grubs.”

“Darn. Well, I’m super excited for you guys to move down here!”

“Me too! Talk to ya later, Janey!” You exchange waves with your friend before disconnecting.

“I’ll be requiring that computer after dinner,” Rose informs you, headin’ in the direction of the dining room. 

You roll your eyes ‘cause you know she wants to talk ta her lil’ friend Can’t-eye-ya or whoever. Silly sisters. You smile to yourself, finishin off your bottle as your mind wanders to thoughtsa spendin time with Janey and exploring the no-doubt-awesome state of California. You wonder how different it is from New York, and you wonder what else exciting is being held in the clutches of the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of short and I hope it's okay!! I enjoy writing Roxy but it's been a while since I have done...
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it and I'll have the next chapter up soon probably haha!


	2. The Flight... O' Destiny!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At last, the Lalondes are officially saying goodbye to Rainbow Falls, New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's slightly longer! -laughs nervously-  
> I hope you enjoy this and I'm writing these chapters without internet access so I'm kind of lacking in reference so woops I hope I'm doing okay with the characters!!!

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]  \--

TG: janey   
TG: janey there r men at my house   
TG: MOVIN men   
TG: this is actauly happenin   
TG: help sos im flippin OUT   
TG: janey pls 

You mull around the house, booze in one hand, phone in the other, eying every moving man with a somewhat wary glint in your eyes. Moving day has FINALLY come, and boy you are totes excited, but you are superduper nervous. 

‘Cause like. Holy shit? You’re goin to CALIFORNIA! Where your BFF lives. That’s a thing that’s happening and woah it feels so fast even though it’s been an entire month. Like, holy shat. You’re not gonna be in Rainbob Falls NY anymore. 

You don’t have enough booze for this. Your phone buzzes as you make the trip to the alcohol rack. 

GG: Oh my gosh!   
GG: I’m so excited!   
TG: me 2 but like   
TG: i just memebred   
TG: *memerber   
TG: *rememebred   
TG: *fuck that   
TG: im like   
TG: 2 young 2 hav booz legally   
TG: i dont get shit on the plane :(   
GG: It’ll be okay!   
GG: It’s just a couple of hours, Rolal.   
TG: teh MOST IMPROTANT coupla hours   
TG: if thers any time i need alchols actively goin in my systum   
TG: its on a plane   
TG: the nerves janey   
TG: the nerves r gonna kill me   


You almost bump into a movin’ man as you type furiously on your Pesterchum app, all focus in swigging as much booze as you can and expressing your amount of flipping-outage to Janey. You swerve around the dude at the last sec, ignoring his look at the bottle in your hand. You’ve been gettin those looks all day, which is part o’ the reasons why you remembered you’re technically (ok, no “technickels” about it) underage drinkin, and that shit ain’t very legal, but hey. Whatevs. They don’t know the struggles. 

You step out onto the front porch, sitting on the step to the side so the guys can get by with their boxes fulla whatever shit you all must have been hoarding. Now you don’t haveta keep your attention on moving, you think, and you carefully place the armful of bottles down in fronta you. 

GG: Relax, Rox!   
GG: It’ll be a breeze.   
GG: You’ll probably fall asleep on the plane ride, anyway, so it will be okay.   
TG: aaaaa!   
TG: ohnooo   
TG: if i fall alseep i will look rlly bad 4 u   
TG: :(   
GG: I’ve seen you with bedhead before. :B   
TG: its not the same omg   
TG: youll see my mess all up close n personal   
TG: smell my alcoahol breahts   
TG: oh no   
TG: i ned 2 brush my teeths   
TG: but i need 2 conmunse as much booz as i can b4 lifdoff   
TG: *consume   
TG: oh no   
TG: if i brush my teeth b4 i leav   
TG: ill b dirnkin all da way 2 the port   
TG: so it ownt mateeter   
TG: *mather   
TG: *matere   
TG: *FUCK   
TG: n u will b there 2 pick us up   
TG: my breth wil b SO bad!   
GG: Oh my gosh!   
GG: It’s okay!   
GG: I don’t mind bad breath.   
TG: hav u ever smelt acohol bredht   
GG: Uh... no.   
TG: then u do not UDNERESTAND   
TG: jus how bad my breah can b   
GG: Will you feel better if I wear a gas mask?   
TG: probbly not   
TG: ughghughgh   
TG: janey   
TG: idk wat 2 do   
GG: About?   
TG: ANYTHIGN   
TG: my life is cahnging   
TG: CHANGING   
TG: lik 2 da extrem   
TG: imma met my bff in a shrot periord o time   
TG: nver 2 come bak 2 my old home   
TG: its scary   
TG: chagne is hard janue   
TG: its hard n nobuddy undersatnds 

Your leg bounces up an’ down frantuc—frnant—wildly and you stare out at your front yard, trying to imagine new people movin’ into the home you’ve had all your life, and it’s makin your head and heart hurt and UGH! It was so exciting two hours ago, why is it so scary now?! 

A light touch on your shoulder makes you jump slightly, and your lil sis sits down next to you. She stretches her arms and places her hands on her knees, lettin’ the silence run for a coupla seconds. 

“Nervous?” She looks from you to the booze bottles, her sharp violet eyes as ever maskin’ whatever emotion she is feeling. Rose has always been a lil’ weird, at least to you, ‘cause she stays silent and observant but damn, the kid is smart. 

“Yeah,” you nod, staring down at your phone. 

GG: Hey, just remember that even with alcohol breath, appearances and stuff doesn’t really matter to me.   
GG: I’m uber excited to have my best friend living nearby.   
GG: We’re going to have so much fun, okay?   
GG: :B   


You glance back at Rosey to see that she’s openin her mouth to say a thing, probs to comfort your worries. 

“It is not uncommon to experience feelings of trepidation or even reluctance before a big occurrence in your life such as abandoning your childhood place of residence for good, even if the upcoming events prove promising.” 

You squint at your lil sis. Of fuckin course she would go into some nutty vocab-and-psycho lesson all at the same time under the guise of tryna make you feel better. The kid seems to go outta her way to get under your skin passively aggrus—agrres—yeah. You can’t even ‘member why she started doin’ that in the first place. 

“However, the role you are allowing alcohol to play is not actually alleviating these overwhelming feelings; it is in fact exacerbating them. The act of getting drunk in order to escape the fear only serves to put it off, and your methods are ill-advised and ill thought out.” 

TG: jane halp   
TG: rosy is barfin words at me   
TG: parently getin drunk is incarceratin my probs or smthn   
TG: i swar 1 day i will find whaer she is hidin the dicsitonariy   
TG: tbh i didnt evn try w/ that word   
TG: jane   
TG: janey   
TG: jany omg pls   


“Your avoidance of acknowledging my thoughts proves that I am indeed correct.” 

“No T-B-H I ain’t gots no clues on what the fudgery you’re tryna tell me.” You raise your ‘brows at her, and she sighs, rubbin’ her forehead slowly before gettin up. 

“Alright, fine, I suppose you will just have to suffer consequences later.” Rosey shakes her head and walks off towards the movin’ van, since appere—apparat—it seems she named herself responsible for makin sures that errythin’ gets properly packed and shit. 

Your phone buzzes in your hand again. 

GG: Whoopsy daisy!   
GG: Sorry about that, a prank war started by John and his dad exploded into an all-out Egbert-Crocker gambit-tipping competition.   
TG: who won?   
GG: The Egberts.   
GG: The gambit was rocking from one side to the next, and Dad and I were clear on the path to victory, but a pie trap caused our downfall.   
TG: sumtmes i feel like ur house is riged 24/7   
TG: just 4 times lik dis   
GG: Hoo hoo!   
GG: Maybe it is. :B   
TG: u need 2 warn me b4 i com over in the mdile o’ a prank war   
TG: *middle   
TG: cuz thatd b hectic n i may die   
TG: altho a crema pie 2 da face sonds p good tbh   
GG: I can teach you the ways of the wise tricksters.   
TG: idk i dont tihnk id make a v gud prank champ   
TG: probs get booz in ur hair sinc i cant cook   
TG: bozze traps alround   
TG: boozy traps   
TG: lmao   
GG: I have a feeling my dad would have to sit you down with a talk chock-filled with stern fatherly disapproval.   
TG: fatherly   
TG: i aint his kid   
GG: He’s weird.   
TG: lmao cant wate 2 meet him 

“Roxy! Our departure is requested immediately!” 

TG: omfg hear it is janey   
TG: were leanvi   
TG: *leavin   
TG: for da PLANE   
TG: n then   
TG: yes   
GG: Awesome!   
GG: I look forward to seeing you!   
TG: u 2   
TG: omg omg ok welp imma save my phone bats 4 candy cursh or smthn   
TG: so dis is gbye   
TG: 4 NOW   
GG: Bye!   
GG: :B   
TG: :3 <3   
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]  \--

You stand, turnin’ off your phone and shovin it in your jacket pocket before wrapping your arms ‘round your precious supply of boozes and climbin’ into the car with it. Excitement churns in your stomach ‘cause woah! You’re moving and on your way to seeing your BFF and you’ve prolly said that 20 thousand times before but you cannot BELIEVE! 

This is gonna be the longest trip ever. 

• « ♥ « •

When you get off the plane some hours later with mussy hair and bleary eyes from the longass nap you took, you make sure to stuff some mints in your mouth. You will NOT meet your BFF with awful alcohol breaths, no you will not. 

You and Rosey grab your stuff from the little thing that deposits your shit and look around for Janey in the crowded airport. Your mom won’t be joinin’ you both because she has some supes important adult mother thingies to do. Like always. 

You scour the airport with your super-Rolal-vision, and you’re about to determine that Janey hasn’t made it the ‘ports yet when Rosey dear nudges you.

“I do believe your friend with the glasses and blue monster slug shirt is waiting over there for us,” Rose states in her soft, matter-of-fact way that always manages to bug you because jeez everything she says sounds snarky somehow. 

But you don’t really think about that today becaaaause MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS LIKE JANEY! You look over to where Rosey is nodding and immediately a squeals rips itself out of your body, turnin’ heads to look at you, but that’s okay because Janey hears you and she immediately starts running towards you and you run towards her and it’s like one of those movies where the two run to embrace each other in a happy, graceful manner and so both of you are openin’ your arms and neither of you slow down velocity so you collide and _holy shit right in the boobs goddamn she has some nice round tits but they are fighter tits ow fuck_ and you almost fall over but she’s grabbin’ you to keep you in the hug and wow this is so hells of awk.

“Uhm, oh gosh, hi!” Janey giggles and you laugh back, taking a few more seconds before separating yourselves from each other.

There’s a small silence as you take each other in, you bouncing on the toes of your feet, Janey rubbing her hands together and chewing her lip, and it’s a glorious moment of complete quiet betwixt the two of you.

“Wow. Hi,” you smile, blushing for some reason, your chest still aching from impact. Jane is more fuller than you thought or remember from the vid chats, but in a good way. She’s squishy and round and a full half-a-foot shorter than you. She’s like... a little doughball of cuteness. 

“Yeah! Um. You’re taller than I thought you’d be golly,” her dark blue eyes twinkle a lil and aww that’s so cute you have the cutiest best friend ever!

“I know right? Shit’s craaazy. Wow. This is you!” What else are you to say? You’re meetin’ your very bestest friend and now you can’t even think of anything to say. 

“You breath doesn’t smell too bad.”

“Dat’s ‘cause Mumma Rox planned ‘head. Stuffed my mouth fulla mints right before we picked up our bags.” You stick your tongue out to show the almost-fully-disintegrated mints and Janey gives a small hooty laugh. 

“Of course you did!”

“Hello, Jane.” Rosey is by your side now, setting her bags down to hold her hand out to Jane, who takes it with a fond shake.

“It’s good to see you, Rose!” Jane glances at you, and you shrug, knowin’ she’s expecting some vocabulary-filled word avalanche to spew from your sister’s mouth any moment. You’d always made a point to exit call when Rose was around, so now you ‘member that this is def the first time Jane has had any real contact with your lil’ sis.

“It is a pleasure to see you as well, Jane, especially in the flesh. Might I inquire the whereabouts of your father, unless you came unaccompanied and will be escorting us to your home by yourself?” Rose looks sideways at you, a small smirk playing at the side of her lips.

“Oh! Dad let me go ahead while he finishes cleaning out the car. He’ll be driving us to my place.” Janey smiles at your sister, surprisingly (at least to you) unphased by the assault of verbage.

Oh, yeah, you’d forgotten that you’re spendin’ a few nights at Janey’s house. Wow! You’re even more excited than before ‘cause yessss, what better way to start your new life than with your best fuckin’ friend?!

Jane leads you and Rosey out of the airport and to the immaculut—immaculos—perfectly cleaned white car where a somewhat short, middle-aged man with nice and broad features waits, adjusting his white fedora while talking quietly on his cell phone. He’s dressed in very nice, clean clothes and you don’t think you’ve ever seen a man look so neat and professionals and shit like that.

Jane nudges her father and he utters a gruff goodbye to whoever on the phone, sliding the device in his pocket and glancin’ over the two of you (the two being y’know, you and Rosey) before nodding slightly.

“I assume you two are Roxy and Rose Lalonde, respectively?” He asks, opening the backdoor for you. “I’m Mr. Crocker.”

“Hey, Mister Crockpot,” whoops, you meant to be more polite but it just kind of slipped, “s’cool to finally meet you!” You slide into the backseat next to the left window, fidgeting excitedly. Janey quickly slips in nexta you before Rosey can, and your sis takes the other side of your bestie.

“It is very nice to be introduced, Mister Crocker,” Rose says properly in a rather casual voice, as if that kinda talk is so casual. “I look forward to spend time in your no-doubt extraordinary home.”

Between the two a’ you, Crockpots doesn’t really seem to know how to respond, so he just gives a small smile before shutting the door and climbing into the driver seat after stickin’ your shit in the trunk. 

As he starts the drive towards his place, you lean in nexta Janey and whisper, “Well damn gurl, your dad is _hot_ no wonder Mister Eggs wants’ta tap that.”

Jane giggles and nudges you, and you snicker, and you know this is the start of somethin’ really fuckin beautiful. Oh yes, yes it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((HOLY CRAP I messed up with span tags so it took .5 years to fix  
> HOLY CRAP X 2 COMBO I do not know how to work AO3 wow I'm a dumb also I forgot Jane's typing style so now I am fixing that this is really embarrassing))
> 
> Rose isn't really obnoxious, she just has this thing about bugging Roxy and since this is from Roxy's POV, Rose is like a snarky assbutt. 
> 
> The relationships between the Alphas and Betas (at least, between Rose and Roxy, John and Jane, Dirk and Dave, etc) is going to be similar to the relationship between the Betas and their guardians (Rose and Mom, etc) since the Beta Guardians clearly aren't actually a thing in this AU ((sorry))
> 
> Ahah  
> Stay tuned for more! I'll try to update again tomorrow <3


	3. The REAL meaning of Powderpuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy walks into something that may be a bit more than she expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOSH has it been a while or what? Oh well. I'm back and I'm planning on continuing this fic and NOBODY CAN STOP ME. Uh... I hope you all enjoy this chapter! Woo!

You should have realized that the Eggs-Crockpot household would be a warzone from the moment you learned about the nature of the two families.

But when you step inside the house, you wouldn’t’ve believed the pranking battle stories Jane told you if you hadn’t witnessed the occurrence multiple times over the webcam. 

“Your house certainly seems to be kept in a superiorly immaculate fashion than most I’ve seen.” Well, you aren’t really sure what Rosey actually says but you’re p sure it’s something you can agree upon. 

“Yeah, and it’s hella clean, too.” You add, eager to chip in with the compliments. 

Rosey shoots you a sarcastic look fulla sarcasm v sarcastically and continued to look around. 

You really weren’t kidding about the cleanness. The walls and floors are white without like, any stains at all, and there is no way on this green Earth that battles involving jelly-filled cream cakes and meringue pies had unfolded in this house. 

Mr. Crockpot smiles a thank you in acknowledgement to your guys’s compliments and hangs his car keys neatly on a little hangy rack thing next to the door. 

“Thank you. I’m going to leave for work, soon, but Will…will be looking after you all.” (Will is the name of Mr. Eggs, btw) 

“Okay, Dad.” Jane nods and then turns to you, grabbing your arm and practically dragging you up the stairs. “Come see my room, Rolal!” 

You giggle and follow behind. For a short tubby girl, Janey sure can run, esp up stairs. You puff out your cheeks as she leads you into her blue room, decorated with black-and-white posters of admittedly handsome men, usually wearing white hats and smoking pipes. 

There are small thuds from behind as Rosey traipses up the stairs behind you two, and she stands quietly at the doorway, taking in the sight of the room. 

“Quick, Janey,” you aim a loudish whisper towards your bff, “Shut the door before she memorizes every detail of your room and uses it against you in a twisted psycho-analysis routine.” 

Janey chuckles, as if she doesn’t believe you! You glance back at Rosey and see her tilt her head a little towards you, the side of her lip tipping upward in one’a her smug smiles. Ohhh joy. 

As you look back to squint suspcirously at Rosey, you spot that lil black-haired boy coming up the stairs. As his blue eyes meet yours, he gives an excited yelp and bounds up the remaining steps. 

“Hey there! I’m John!” He gives a dorky wave and his toothy grin, his feet shuffling a lil’ nervously. What a silly boy, omg. 

Jane turns to look at him and laughs. “It’s not like you haven’t met them before, John.” 

“Well actually, I do believe that this is the first time we have encountered each other. I’ve only seen glimpses of you in passing, if I recall correctly.” Rose adjusts her position to regard John fully, and he looks at her and nods. 

“Yeah! You’re Roxy’s sister, right…?” 

“Regrettably. My name is Rose.” She sticks out her hand all formally like, and John takes it and shakes it. Takes it and shakes it… that could be the name of a really hella song tbh. You should totes be a rapper or something. 

“Cool!” John glances at you and Janey, probably unsure how to keep up a convo with someone as intimidating and pretenetious as your sister. 

“We don’t have any rooms available really, so both you and Rose are going to have to stay in my room,” Jane turns back to you, shrugging. 

Oh, bluh. You weren’t anticipating your sister being there. You love Rosey with all your heart, but you were hoping for late night chats about deep n meaningful shit with Janey, and that just can’t happen with Rose around. She’d turn it into this weirdass uncomfortable therapy session regarding, like, Jane’s obsession with detectives. 

You can only just imagine how that’ll go. 

_Do you believe [big adverb] perchance that your preoccupation with such [big adjective] sleuths [big verb meaning “stems” or smthn] from a desire to constantly be in [big adjective] control of every situation with certain or absolute understanding?_

Yup. That’ll be exactly how it would go. 

“This arrangement shouldn’t be too pestiferous, honestly.” Rose comments to Janey, who sticks out her lower lip in confusion and gave you a look like _dafuq is pestiferous?_

You shrug; there is really no response to give. You’re p much used to going _what the actual flippity floppity is this BS,_ becuz thats actually TOTES your life. Guess Janey’s gonna haveta get used to this real soon else she’s going to be makin’ that face a hella lot from now on. 

“Hey, Jane, do your friends want a snack?” A grown male voice that doesn’t really sound like Mr. Crockpot calls up from the bottom of the stairs and omg that must be Mr. Eggs and before Janey can even get a syllable in you’re forgetting any manners and shouting “HELL YEA MR. EGGS!” 

Jane stares at you and John giggles and Rose sighs. You give them another shrug, cuz, well what can ya do. 

“Alright, come downstairs and we have some nice surprises waiting for you.” Mr. Eggs sounds amused, hell yea, this guy is gonna be rockin, and well… surprises? You are TOTES down for some’a those and you’re running downstairs now-- 

“Rolal, wait!” 

\--wait you do not. Some lil bit’a string at the base of the stairs catches your ankle and oh boy howdy is there a surprise, surprise right to the kisser (and the rest of your face tbh)! Lemon meringue smell is shoved up your nostrils and wow you really shoulda seen this coming. There’s a clang as the pie tin hits the ground, a splat as most of the pie follows, and the rest is just kinda stuck to your face. 

You’re standing there, struck and founded dumb, as faster than you would ever imagine possible, Janey is flying down the stairs, nerf gun (????) in hand as she rounds the corner. 

You blink the delicious creme from your eyes and take a dab on your finger to lick while you follow, walking in just in time to see that the toy gun in Jane’s hand is filled with DEADLY CAKE BALLS OF DOOM!!!!! which she is now shooting James-Bond-esque at her soon-to-be-stepfather. 

The scene becomes even more thrilling and utterly confusing when the two other family members make their appearances. John rolls in (literally, he just rolled in after Jane like another super secret sugar spy) with two cans of that spray-can-whipped cream in either hand like pistols or something just as Mr. Crockpot comes in with a slamming-open of the kitchen door, a platter of cream puffs balanced perfectly on one palm. 

The room legit explodes with sugar and cream and cake. You’re just standing in awe by the doorway and all you see are cream puffs exploding and whipped cream flying and _holy shit how the crap do these people clean up so well._

You try to spectate shit using the vocab that Janey uses. The gambit is swinging… who the heck knows where. Mr. Eggs has somehow conjourned up a cannoli that he’s using to blow filling into Jane’s face. It’s hard to keep track and hell knows when Rosey got here but she’s standing next to you sniggerin at the expression on your face. 

Who knows how long you stand there watching the living room turn into a sugary, creamy battleground but eventually you hear Jane’s hoot of laughter and clapping as the dust of the powdered sugar and confections settles. Janey’s highfivin Mr. Crockpots and John’s head is hung low in defeat. Mr. Eggs seems to have evacuated. 

Jane prances over to you, her cake ball gun waved high over her head. “Did you see that, Rox?” 

“Sure did, Jane!” You pull yourself out of your daze, wiping your hand on your face to get some more cream. “Although I’m not really sure how you guys decided who won.” 

“It was all in the gambit! You watched us, it was all over the place, but finally us Crockers were discerned as the true winners of this round! Hoo hoo!” 

“Uh, shouldn’t we help clean up though?” You tip your head to the side as Janey starts tryna lead you away from the battleground. 

“Nah, the losers are the ones who get to clean up. C’mon, let’s go upstairs before John tries to guilt us into helping!” 

Jane chuckles and pulls you upstairs, Rose following.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tryna decide whats next but it mayyyyy involve Striders? ;;;D


End file.
